I think we all have an emotional “go-to response. Some people get angry, some avoid, some get nervous, some laugh…ect. I cry. I’m not sure if it’s from years of stuffing my emotions into the deepest parts of me and never letting them see the light of day, or if it’s just this thing I do.
I cry when I’m pissed off, I cry when I’m anxious, I cry when I’m happy, and of course I cry when I’m sad…. I just freaking cry, all the time. It’s how I process.
I don’t know why, but I’m so ashamed that I do this. I hate it. It immediately makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Especially, because it’s something I can’t usually control. I can hold my breath until I’m red in the face, breath deeply, smile, and think about something else as much as my brain can manage and still the water comes rushing from my eyes and down my cheeks.
AND, if I do manage to put a damn against the waterworks, I feel fake. A dullness settles over me and I sit in this gray fog. I struggle with not be “honest”, but people don’t want to see my version of honesty. It makes them cringe. It makes them annoyed. Worse yet, it’s makes them pity me.
So I’m stuck. Stuck finding this middle ground between being a burden and being honest with myself. Stuck crying in the shower so that the tears don’t stain my cheeks and redden my eyes. Stuck tilting my head just enough to obscure the view of me wiping a tear that escaped all my efforts.