Just before we moved I closed the final page on a big friendship. It’s been almost a year and I still often miss her. When I hear something funny, talk about glitter, or just have a really weird day… I still often think to myself “she’d get it.” I miss our late night talks, impromptu hair dying sessions, inside jokes, beach trips, pizza parties, 5K saturday events, TV show binges, and midnight trips to Walmart.

I miss the 5 years of memories and the idea of memories that we will never make. After everything we had been through, boy trouble, family drama, college, pregnancy, stressful jobs …She was more than a friend, she was my family. Especially, when it felt like I didn’t have one. I never for a second thought we wouldn’t be the old ladies with our walkers on the beach.

I swear, best-friend breakups are almost worse than actual breakups.

I still go over the details of our friendship and it’s breaking point trying to figure out how we got here, or rather how she’s not here. The truth is, we simply just grew apart. At the beginning of our friendship we were both very different people. We were still so young and when adult life happened, we just didn’t work anymore.

After, babies, promotions, marriage, etc. we grew up and I don’t think we recognized each other anymore. It didn’t happen all at once, and I tried to fight it for a long time… but I couldn’t change the obvious outcome. We lived in two different worlds, and I didn’t belong in hers anymore.

Now, a year later, I am still finding it hard to open up to new friendships. Granted, i’ve never really been that good at it. If you have been with me for a while, you know I talked about my struggle with friendships and Transparency. While I have definitely been doing better at being a more open and honest communicator in my already existing friendships, I am still working on doing this with new potential friendships.

Again, I’m not advocating that in order to make friends I (or you) should word vomit every single thing thats happened over the last 10 years during the first conversation. I am simply being conscientious of the fact that I struggle to provide anything more than the bare minimum of information. I answer what’s asked of me and don’t offer any thing more.

Obviously, the conversation fizzles fast. But I can’t help it. It’s like my brain is programmed to shut off before I give something away. I know that it’s the way my brain has learned to take care of and protect it self, but man does it make forming new friendships so complicated.

To be clear, I still have a couple amazing friendships, that I really am thankful for every day. It’s just hard to feel like someone is still missing. In addition since we moved it would be nice to make some friends that are in my geographical location. I miss my ladies nights/days!


Published by bestillhawk

• I am a wife, (step) momma, cat momma, preschool teacher, blogger and coffee enthusiast.
• I struggle with moderate to severe Anxiety.

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1 Comment

  1. I see nothing wrong with being cautious when starting new friendships. Just take it one step at a time. Baby steps if you have to. If they’re real friend material, they’ll understand and won’t push.


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