Tonight, I snuggled my little love bug while we watch a movie, and I become engulfed by so many emotions; Joy, peace, exhaustion, wholeness, indignation, sadness, and everything in between flooded my being in a hot wave. Tomorrow we start the journey it feels like we just made yesterday. Tomorrow we leave our home to take her home.
We have had a great winter break together. It has been long enough that life has settled into routine and feels like this has how it has always been and will always be. I have grown relaxed within the 7am wake up tap on my forehead by my bright eyed girl, who is ready to face the day, I have found such a daily comfort in our snuggles and bed time routines, I have beamed at watching her brain learn and accomplish new things. And yet, as I lay here with her sweet head resting upon my shoulder and her legs propped against her daddies side, the dusk settles in as the trip back nears closer. While I know she misses her mommy and her family there, and I know she is happy and healthy, my heart breaks for me and my husband. The feeling is unexplainable. It is like a part of you and your life is missing, and no feeling compares to that void.
Tonight is our last bedtime snuggle for some time, so I made an extra point to be present and not rush our usual routine. So tonight, we read our story for just a little bit longer and when she ask for extra cuddles while she fell asleep I stayed a little longer. I stayed as her tiny legs wiggled and twisted. I gently caressed her face while her legs slowed and her eyes roll back slightly, only to open and sigh “I love you, Ashley.” My heart melting and exploding all at once.
When people ask me if me and my husband have any children, I without hesitation reply with “Yes, we have a daughter!” Then they ask how old and when I tell them that she is five, I get this look like wait what? Something clicks and their vibe changes. Some say it, some don’t, but wether it is a look or actual words I get the “Oh, so she’s not really yours.” And instantly a knife goes straight through my heart, because she may not be biologically mine, but I love her just as much as if she was. It feels as if God stitched her life into mine, long before time.
Is this what I thought “Motherhood” would look like? No, not in the slightest, but I would not trade it for the world. I know that in the end this story, her story and our’s, is all apart of God’s bigger plan. It may not always be easy, but I trust that she is where she needs to be.
If learning to let them go is part of your regular story Mama, you are not alone and I know it hurts every damn time.