Again, it’s been some time, but my schedule has amped up quite a bit lately. However, this morning’s cool and airy weather has put me in the best of moods. The windows are open, allowing a sweet breeze to sweep through the house removing the stale, stagnant, and warm summer air from each room. Beautiful weather always puts me into pondering moods, so naturally I have done quite a bit of reflecting today.
Mostly I have been meditating on how different my life has been these past few months, and why it has been so different. For the first time in years, I honestly have had very little, if anything, to complain about. For a while, I could not for the life of me understand what this feeling I have was. Everything felt weird, like something was just off. I now realize, this is what is feels like to be genuinely happy. Not social media happy. Not ignore my pain happy. Not “I’m happy, but…” Just simply happy. It was not until I put a word to the feeling that I realized… I have never felt like this. Not once. Happiness for me was a word I used when I had SOMETHING, anything to be thankful for when everything around me felt like it was crumbling into a million pieces. For as long as I can remember, that’s been my version of happy. While I think it is important to stay positive, even in negative experiences that are outside of your control, it is also important to understand the difference between a forced impermanent and fragile happiness versus genuine and consistent happiness.
Me and my husband were watching a movie one night and a woman began to cry. I was immediately appalled and exclaimed, “It’s a happy thing, WHY is she crying??” Trey looked at me and said “… babe you can be so happy you cry…” The idea just seemed so foreign.
So what’s changed? Is this just a season of life the lord has me in? Maybe, but I’d like to think that my actions and strives to meet my mental and physical needs have had a huge impact on where I am today. When God set our little family on this path, I made it my goal to take control of the elements around me and let god handle what I could not. When we moved it became very clear that God removed a lot of negative situations and people who created a lot of drama which in turn created a lot of consistent anxiety for me. Essentially, the lord removed me from a toxic environment and I feel like I can finally breathe freely.
Don’t be fooled. I still have bad days. I still have disappointments. People still hurt me. I still make mistakes. The only difference is I have moderation and these negatives are so much less than they used to be. The lord has placed me in a fresh environment and allowed me to maintain and flourish within it.